50題白痴成語總整理

如果你50題全部答對...那你的寒冷指數可達到99%

01. 有一隻熊走過來　　　　　　　　　  
有備而來（有BEAR來）

02. 第十一本書　　　　　　　　　　　　  
不可思議（BOOK11）

03. 哪一種蝙蝠不用休息　　　　　　　　　  
不修邊幅（不休蝙蝠）

04. 一個人被刷成金色　　　　　　　　　　　  
一鳴驚人（一名金人）

05. 羊停止了呼吸　　　　　　　　　　  　　　
揚眉吐氣（羊沒吐氣）

06. 手機不可以掉到馬桶裡　　　　　　　　　  
機不可失（濕）

07. 小玉對小明說她爸爸性無能  　　　　　　　
欲罷不能（玉爸不能）

08. 狗過了獨木橋就不叫了　　　  　　　　　　
過目不忘（過木不汪）

09. 蜜蜂停在日曆上　　　　　　　  　　　　　
風和日麗（蜂和日曆）

10. 兩個男人坐在石頭上　　　　　　  　　　　
一石二鳥

11. 一群女人在聊天　　　　　　　　　  　　　
無稽之談（無雞之談）

12. 一群人拿雞蛋砸槍　　　　　　　　　  　　
槍林彈雨（槍淋蛋雨）

13. 畫家喜歡畫粗的繩子不喜歡畫細的繩子　  　
出神入化（粗繩入畫）

14. 搬建中的鋼琴　　　　　　　　　　　　　  
一見鍾情（移建中琴）

15. 拿筷子吃飯　　　　　　　　  　　　　　　
膾炙人口（筷至人口）

16. 雞與鴨的對話　　　　　　　　  　　　　　
雞同鴨講

17. 一百零一了　　　　　　　　　　  　　　　
一了百了

18. 有十隻羊，九隻蹲在羊圈，一隻蹲在豬圈  　
抑揚頓挫（一羊蹲錯）

19. 羊打電話給老鷹，老鷹接起電話說 "喂" 　  
陽奉陰違（羊PHONE 鷹 "喂

20. 誰家沒有電話？　　　　　　　　　　　　
天衣（天衣無縫 PHONE）

21. 誰最了解鳥類？　　　　　　　　　　　　
驚弓（驚弓之鳥）知鳥

22. 古人為什麼要臥冰求鯉？　　　　　　　　
冰冰有鯉（禮）

23. 為什麼公馬跑的比母馬快？　　　　　　　
快馬加鞭

24. 為什麼帽子髒了要翻面再戴？　　　　　
張冠李戴（髒冠裡戴）

25. 為什麼剛出生的小孩就死了？　　　　　　
出生入死

26. 為什麼把刀塗成藍色的槍就會很憂鬱？　　
刀槍不入（BLUE）

27. 為什麼老師從小就叮嚀我們要珍惜四支箭？
光陰似箭（四箭）

28. 為什麼附中？　　　　　　　　　　　　　
胎死腹中（附中）

29. 怎樣讓鴨子不會飛走？　　　　　
插一隻翅膀給牠（插翅難飛）

30. 怎樣使麻雀安靜下來？　　　　
壓牠一下（鴉雀無聲 壓雀無聲）

31. 怎樣把東西變大？
（很冷）有容乃大

32. 哪一種蛇有很多嘴巴？　　　　
七嘴八舌（蛇）

33. 洗臉的叫臉盆
那洗手的呢？金盆（金盆洗手）

34. 喝哪一種果汁最辛苦？　　　
絞盡腦汁

35. 在地獄的斷頭台看得到什麼？　　　　　　
鬼頭鬼腦

36. 誰可以很輕鬆的混完高中三年？　　　
銳先生（銳不可當 請唸ㄉㄤˋ）

37. 如何分辨香肉店與狗肉店的不同？　　　
狗肉店店門口會掛羊頭（掛羊頭賣狗肉）

38. 為什麼冷笑話一次要講三遍？　
三思而後行（三ㄙ~~而後行）

39. 貓為什麼喜歡打人？　　　　　　　　　　
（這題夠白爛）因為牠是貓喜歡"貓"人家一拳

40. 星星有多重？
8 公克 (STARBUCKS 星八克)

41. 溜馬隊的Miller死了以後會變什麼？　　  
彌勒佛

42. 為什麼"七上八下"七在八的上面？　　
（超欠打的~~）因為"八在七的下面"

43. 為什麼你看不到上帝的老二？　　　
天機不可洩漏（天雞）

44. 哪一首歌歌詞有"李玟"？　　　　　　
月亮代表我的心（"李玟"我愛你有多深....）

45. 哪一種運動要用背(ㄅㄟ)的？　　　  
（這更屌） Jan Sport

46. 哪一種蛇生命力最強？　　　   　　　　　
三吋不爛之舌（蛇）

47. 為什麼冰山一 "角" ？　　
另一隻腳被鐵達尼號撞斷了

48. 為什麼漢子不出門？　　　　   　　　　　
因為 出了門就變 "門外漢"

49. 坐什麼椅子最享受？　　　　　　　　　　　
ENJOY

50. 為什麼我生下來就是要耍冷？
因為　我思故我在(我ㄙ~~故我在)

詼諧中全是道理

1. 人人都說我醜，其實我只是美得不明顯。 
2. 我從不以強淩弱〜〜〜我欺負他之前真不知道他比我弱… 
3. 紳士無非就是耐心的狼。
4. 我又不是人民幣，怎麼能讓人人都喜歡我？
5. 人生只有三天，活在昨天的人迷惑；活在明天的人等待；活在今天 的人最踏實。
6. 通往成功的路，總是在施工中。
7. 女子無才便是德，我一定是太缺德了。 
8. 漫漫人生路，總會錯幾步。 
9. 我要讓全世界都知道我很低调。
10. 鹹鱼翻身，還是鹹魚。 
11. 我多想一個不小心就和你白頭偕老。 
12. 令人不能自拔的，除了牙齒還有愛情。
13. 大多數人想要改造這個世界，但却罕有人想改造自己。 
14. 人幹點好事兒總想讓鬼神知道，幹點壞事兒總以為鬼神不知道。 
15. 小時候我以為自己長大後可以拯救整個世界，等長大後才發現整個 世界都拯救不了我。
16. 真羡慕你這麼年輕就認識我了。 
17. 不要叫我宅女，請叫我居里夫人。 
18. 英雄不問出路，流氓不看歲數。
19. 路見不平一聲吼，吼完繼續往前走。 (電視劇「水滸傳」 主題曲) 
20. 孔子曰：中午不睡，下午崩潰！ 孟子曰：孔子說的對！ 
21. 個頭大就一定厲害嗎？恐龍不是照樣滅絕了！
22. 别跟我談感情，談感情傷錢。 
23. 愛是費盡心力地全身投入，然後再百轉千回地抽身而出！ 
24. 情侣間最矛盾的地方就是幻想彼此的未來，却惦記着對方的過去。 
25. 還没來得及去拈花惹草，就被人拔光了。 
26. 小時候，幸福是簡單的事；長大了，簡單是幸福的事。 
27. 男人的大腦喜歡女人的内心，但是眼睛喜歡女人的外表。
28. 我又不是王子，為什麼女孩遇見我總認為自己應該成為公主. 
29. 結婚就是給自由穿件棉衣，活動起來不方便，但會很温暖。 
30. 知識就像内褲，看不見但很重要。  
31. 合久必分，分久必合；喝酒必瘋，逢酒必喝。 
32. 你有什麼不開心的事？說出來讓大家開心一下。 
33. 女人是水做的，男人是泥做的，生出小孩叫做水泥做的.
34. 泡酒吧的男人是找刺激的，而女人，多半是受過刺激. 
35. 當褲子失去皮帶，才懂得什麽叫做依賴。
36. 當男人遇見女人，從此只有紀念日，没有獨立日。 
37. 閉上眼睛，我看到了我的前途...

Senior Moments...

Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires.'

Hearing Aids
An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.' The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Newborn Baby
Two elderly gentlemen from a  retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree, when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

New Restaurant
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Patient Discharged from Hospital
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Hearing Aid
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' Twelve thirty.’

Hot Mamma
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Dr. “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, “You've got a heart murmur; be careful.”'

Arthritis 
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Happy Monday!

Payback For All The Dumb Blonde Jokes

1. Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

2. When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

3. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

4. Man says to God:
"God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says:"So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you.

5. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

6. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

7. Why are there so many blond jokes?
So that redheads and brunettes can find something to do on a Saturday night.


Did You Ever Wonder Why...

1. A pizza arrives at your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back counter to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy their cigarettes at the front.

3. People order double cheeseburgers, large fries...and a Diet Coke.

4. Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

5. We leave our cars, worth thousands of dollars, in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

6. We use answering machines to screen our calls, then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

7. We buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

8. We use the word politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".


What She Really Means

1. You want = You want

2. We need = I want

3. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

4. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

5. We need to talk = I need to complain

6. Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

7. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

8. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going  to like.

9. I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

10. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

11. Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

12. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.